I feel too fat to have an eating disorder.

I’m accomplished. I’m successful in many ways. I’m intelligent. I’m ambitious. I’m kind and compassionate and thoughtful and passionate about helping when I can for who I can. I’m genuine. I’m trustworthy and I’m honest. I’m a student studying Human Nutrition, a course that I love. I have a job, I’ve had many jobs. I worked 3 jobs while studying full time at college to earn money for a trip to Kenya. I have volunteered in an school for orphans in Kenya for two weeks. I have worked as an auxiliary nurse for over a year. I’ve written blogs and read many books. I was a prefect at school. I’ve travelled all over the UK with my gymnastics display team performing.   
But I am not skinny. 
How the latter characterisations completely overshadow my many former achievements and virtues, I will never know. I will never quite understand why being a woman and being beautiful and thin deserves more recognition than anything else that I could possibly do in my life. I will never understand female admiration that is doled out simply because of the way a woman looks. I will never understand why talent, fortitude, perseverance, intellect, compassion are less virtuous than being skinny. 
But I’m back to my pre-ED weight now. 19kg gained. My body is flabby and fat, my clothes don’t fit, my face is round, my thighs rub, my buttocks is huge, my stomach bulges, and I hate myself so much. The mental and physical torture just isn’t worth it. My life was better and more fulfilled when I was underweight, going out, seeing friends, socialising, laughing, showering. Now, now none of those things happen. I can’t bring myself to see anyone, I’m too repulsed and embarrassed. I’ve tried to be okay with how I look. I’ve tried to accept it, I’ve really tried. But I can’t.